The TRUTH About Pokémon!!

DISCLAIMER: I don’t typically get into this kind of stuff, so I am providing a bit of back-story, explaining how I came to know so much about Pokémon in the first place. I now have all the information I need, and I made sure to destroy my game and console once I was done.

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As I’m sure you all already know, Pokémon is a demonic “game” Satanists created to corrupt our youth and pull them away from the glory of God. AND IT’S WORKING! When good Christians, such as myself, began protesting the evil influence of Pokémon back in the 1990s, we were mocked and ridiculed! But now the decay of society has become evident. President OSAMA, the world’s so-called messiah, wants me to GIVE to the POOR! I’m sorry, but charity has no place in MY Bible.

But getting back on track—I can trace this society’s decay directly to the Satanic power that Pokémon has had over the youth of America.

You see, a few weeks ago, a (former!) friend of mine handed me a Nintendo DS, and told me to play the game inside. I could keep it, he said. I should play the game inside, and then judge it on its own value. I threw it in my closet and prayed for him, but I soon came to a revelation. If I play the game, and it is everything I have been told it is, it will only strengthen my resolve, and if my fellow Believers had been misinformed, then I would know for the better, and I would be able to dedicate more of my time protesting the baby-killing Antichrist that America has allowed to slither his way into the Oval Office!

I knew that Nintendo started off making card games, which are derived from the evil occult practice of TAROT. I knew that video games were allowing SATAN into the minds of children, so they would go shoot their classmates at school. But with the power of GOD on my side, I knew I could resist SATAN’S EVIL TEMPTATIONS.

I turned the game on. It was Pokémon Soul Silver. There was a big white (or silver?) birdlike creature swimming across the screen. The same figure is stylized into the logo. At this point I KNEW that Pokémon was connected with the occult.

The ancient Egyptians believed the soul was called BA, and it took the form of a BIRD with a HUMAN face! This game shows a BIRD with strikingly HUMAN features curled up to represent a SOUL! If you can’t see the connection with the occult already, Satan must have control over your mind.

But I shook my head. Surely my (former!) friend couldn’t have missed this. It must be a coincidence. Of course, I know now that it wasn’t, but at the time, I allowed myself to press onward.

I already knew that the game allowed you to control demons called Pokémon. I mean, replace the “pok” with a “d,” and you have “démon” right there! Did they think we would not notice? Well, we did, but you all just ignored it, and now America is walking strait down the path to HELL! And I already knew that Pokémon resisted the glory of God by spreading the LIE of EVOLUTION, but my (former!) friend assured me that I was overreacting, so I begrudgingly pushed on.

After a while, I had “caught” a bunch of these Pokémon, and had actually begun to feel a perverse sense of sinful enjoyment from the game. One of my “catches” included a Pokémon called “Magikarp.” Wait a minute! MAGIK? I knew Pokémon was evil, but I didn’t realize just how blatant they were about it!

Believing this Pokémon with the evil name to be a creature of great power within the game, I opted to begin “training” this Magikarp. It only had one attack: Splash. It does some sort of arcane dance ritual, but it doesn’t seem to have any effect on the battle. So the purpose of this move is purely to show our youth how to summon demons. Disgusting. I switched Magikarp out for my Pidgey and defeated the enemy. But then something strange happened. Magikarp and Pidgey SPLIT THE EXPERIENCE!

WHAT KIND OF COMMIE BS IS THAT?

Magikarp didn’t EARN his experience! He sat and danced around while Pidgey did all the work! I was infuriated. Magikarp was leeching experience off of Pidgey’s efforts. By that logic, I should be paid for simply walking into an office building and loitering around for a bit! No wonder today’s youth expects everyone else to do work for them! I released that resource-sapping waste of a Pokémon right away! No matter how much I gave it, I know it would never make anything of itself.

But even worse are the Pokémon Centers! It’s free to heal all of your Pokémon—as many times as you want! (Well, it’s free for YOU, anyway, because your character is a jobless vagrant who participates in cockfighting tournaments.) They have Socialized Health Care! Right now, all the kids who played Pokémon when it first came out are of legal voting age. Is that a coincidence? I think not! This “game” has warped their minds, and they voted America down the path of SATANISM!

And now they’ve introduced a Pokémon GOD—a mockery of the ONE TRUE GOD of the BIBLE!It is known as Arceus, and it doesn’t look like an old white man like MY Bible says, but instead it looks like a freakish beast, somewhat resembling a GOAT. I don’t need to tell you that the goat is the symbol of SATAN. Gee, that sure seems to show up a lot in Pokémon, doesn’t it? Be on the lookout, fellow Christians. You may think it’s just a game for now, but it’s only a matter of time before Godless COMMUNISTS who were raised on these games TWISTED MORALS take America over completely, and force us to worship their new EVIL OCCULT GOD, ARCEUS! Don’t let them suck you in!

God bless you all!